Tuesday, August 08, 2006

James A. Garfield

A chronicle is a continuing narrative.

I walked into the restroom at work and saw that in each of the stalls, there was a roll of brown paper towels instead of toilet paper. I was appalled. "Oh HELL no," I said, and I turned around and walked back out.

Haa, once Jen and I were watching tv, and I thought I saw a van dragging a cross along behind it as in The Crucifixion, and I could not stop laughing (also I was high), but it was actually an anchor, and a commercial for engine oil. It is because I had a religioius upbringing. But the commercial is still hilarious, because it really does look like a cross.

The other day when I was eating my lunch, I said, "Mahmoud, when I sit here and look down upon the store, I feel like I am God looking down upon His creation" (I said His instead of Her because otherwise Mahmoud would have been appalled, and probably freaked out, so I decided to make a small concession to his patriarchal values).
"You feel like God?" Mahmoud said, and looked at me in a strange way.

Dude, the other night I was reading the newspaper, and there was an article about the assassination of President Garfield (he was from around Cleveland, and for some reason a lot of people are really proud of that fact, and they hail his name), because apparently after he got shot he lived for a little while before he died, and the doctors thought the bullet was lodged in his intestines (which it wasn't) so they wouldn't let him eat solid food. And the article says:

"In mid-August, the doctors insisted that Garfield be fed rectally, and he received beef bouillon, egg yolks, milk, whiskey, and drops of opium in this manner."

Haaaaaaaa. What a horrible thing. Who DOES that? When I read it, I was so horrified that I read it out loud to my mother, who was in the next room, because it was so outrageous and bizarre and disgusting that I had to tell someone right away, in order to share and diffuse the horror. She said, "Oh, that's disgusting!" and later she said, "Well, when I'm old, I hope you don't try to feed me beef broth up my butt," and I said, "MOM! I would never!" And then I cut out the article and saved it, so I could read it at my own pleasure, and laugh.

I really love learning bits of useless and bizarre but interesting knowledge, and then carrying them around with me. Like, about how Hitler was addicted to laxatives, and Stalin's sex life, and stuff like that.

And then Garfield got all malnourished and lost over 100 pounds (he must have been kind of voluptuous beforehand) and died anyway. I am so glad I did not live back then, because doctors were just dumbasses, and abortion and birth control were illegal so women had to use foolish teas and suppositories and dubious methods, and also they had to wear corsets and all these petticoats and pantaloons and other foolish undergarments, and it was just a horribly patriarchal time on all fronts.

"Cleanliness is next to godliness," I just told my brother in an old-woman voice after I cleaned the counter with bleach to kill and deter ants.

This bar lets you take a shot — at the waiter:

Nanjing's Rising Sun Anger Release Bar encourages patrons to take a swing

BEIJING - Stressed-out Chinese can now unleash pent-up anger at a bar that lets customers attack staff, smash glasses and generally make a ruckus, a Chinese newspaper reported Monday. The Rising Sun Anger Release Bar in Nanjing, capital of the eastern province of Jiangsu, employs 20 muscled young men as "models" for customers to punch and scream at.....Wu said that since he opened the bar in April, most of the patrons have been women, especially those working in karaoke bars and massage parlors. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/14224099/ Uh, that is a really terrible idea. It just promotes discord in the world. And whoever heard of such a thing.

Haa, that is all.


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