The Rapture

I just sat on a hill under a tree like Jesus, and enjoyed that which comes from the Earth.

When I came home from work, all of the cars were home but nobody seemed to be in the house. "Perhaps my family was raptured away," I thought, and laughed to myself. Once in high school the lunchtime candy cupboard was raptured away, but everyone else was left behind.

At Talbot's in Cleveland last summer I had this manager named Kelly Crews, and she was a female minister and gospel singer and she used to prophesy and speak in tongues and get all charismatic and shit, like Janine's Aunt Cecelia (not at work, of course) on the side, and she was the head of Appointed and Anointed Ministries, and she ministered to a lot of black prostitutes in East Cleveland. She was white but she had wild curly blonde hair and a black ass and loved black men (her two kids are mixed), and once last summer (in the middle of July) there was a huge and violent storm in the afternoon, and the sky became as dark as night and the wind blew the doors open and all the old broads began to freak out, and I said, "Kelly Crews, it's like Jesus is coming back," and she said, "Girrrl, do you know where you're going? Because I DO! I am SECURE in my salvation! Girl, you gotta choose! It's Heaven or Hell, and I KNOW where I am going!" and she got all fired up and was speaking in her black voice (which she reverted to at times), and I was like, "Whoa, this broad is crazy," and I just looked at her.

Also during her lunch break she used to sometimes receive prophesies and inspirations from the Lord, and write them down rapidly and silently on this special pad as she ate her soup. Once we had no spoons in the break room so she had to eat her soup with a fork, and I laughed at her.

Also, once her 13-year-old son came home from visiting his father, and Kelly found a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue in his bookbag (with all those scantily clad broads in provocative poses), and she said, "What the hell is this?" and he said, "I ain't never even seen that devilish stuff," and she said, "Oh HELL no, don't you even try to lie to me."
And that was my manager Kelly Crews.

Once a customer called and said, "Excuse me, do you carry pajamas in your store?" (which was a bizarre request), and she thought it was me making a prank call to her, and I said, "Kelly Crews, I would never do such a thing!" (which is true).

Also she had weaknesses for certain expensive purses, and high-heeled shoes, and sashes with sequins, and black men.

Haaa, I was just reading about Kim Jong Il (the crazy leader of North Korea. He is paranoid about airplanes and travels on a secret electric railcar. Seriously, it is true), and the article said:

His eldest son, Kim Jong Nam, is said to have fallen out of favor after embarrassing his father in 2001 when he was caught trying to enter Japan on a fake passport, saying he wanted to visit Tokyo Disneyland.

Haaa. Who DOES that?

This evening my boss went on an outing with this middle-aged Hispanic broad named Esther (and she laughs a crazy laugh at everything he says), and she picked him up in her SUV, and we were all very intrigued.

"Maybe she'll spend the night," said Wanda.
"I would not hit that shit," I said in my black-woman voice.
"Yes, but maybe she will," said Wanda.